When I first become a parent, I had a lot of ideas. Lots. I genuinely thought my baby would be sleeping through the night by 6 months old, I knew I wanted to breastfeed, but that I wanted to give bottles of expressed milk in case of an emergency, that I would do baby led weaning and I wanted to start teaching my child a second language by the time they were a year old and that while they slept, perhaps there would be time to write a novel.
Well, I can tell you now that some of these things happened eventually, but a lot didn't, and none of it happened in the time line I was planning.
I would say the biggest flaws in my plan were that I didn't actually speak a second language myself, didn't know very much about normal infant sleep patterns and had no idea how terrified I would be of baby led weaning. Oh, and, my baby refused to take a bottle, no matter how many times I tried.
So all in all, it's fair to say that my baby had not read my memo.
I went to a local NHS antenatal group when I was pregnant and started to get to know one of the women from there. We could not have been more different, she liked organisation, I liked winging it, she liked radio 2, I liked radio 1, she had a fancy top of the range buggy, I had a 3 wheeler ready for going round a rally course, she had read some birth books, I had thrown birth books out windows...... we were so different and she was lovely, but I did wonder how much we would have in common and how long our friendship would last. But, after my baby was born, one Wednesday morning, we plodded down the road to a baby and toddler group.
I had total imposter syndrome, I couldn't quite believe I was allowed to be a mum and was pretty sure I wasn't doing that great a job of it with my long list of plans that hadn't gone to plan, I was sweaty and had leaky boobs, I didn't feel comfortable breastfeeding in public yet and so I found the idea of a group slightly terrifying as I walked through the door.
The people who came to the group were all so different from me again, from the mums who have school age kids, the stay at home mums, working mums, maternity leave mums, the sporty mums, the young mums, hippy mums, oudoorsy mums, posh mums, cake loving mums, older mums, somewhere in the middle mums....... to there even being the odd Dad too! It was REALLY scary and I had no idea how I would fit in.
However, this group was like a haven, there were actual people there to help, without a child, who made you a cup of tea and told you your baby was lovely. They didn't bat an eyelid at breastfeeding, they were supportive without making a big deal, 'you sit there and we'll get you a drink'. I can't explain to those who haven't had the experience, quite how incredible this is as a nervous first time mum.
coffee time for new parents
And that person from my antenatal group knew lots of people, and introduced me to them. A smile from these women went a long way for this girl who felt wobbily, out of her depth and like she really didn't know what was going on, who had no idea why her baby wasn't sleeping for more than an hour and was wishing for some normality back in life.
And whilst this crazy mixture of people from all walks of life might seem like a perfect storm for people to not get on, our common reason for being there- children, meant that there was a camraderie about the group, I quickly realised that it was me who was putting people in categories and actually it didn't really matter if you were into lotus birthing or planned c-sections or both, no one really cares that much.
I realised that you don't always have to like being a parent and it's fine to have terrible days and just 'ok' days, it doesn't mean you don't like your kids or that you don't love being a mum, it's just not all picnics in meadows in golden sunshine wearing white flowing dresses, but sometimes it is and it's ok to say 'I had a brilliant day!', and when it's all poo googling, rubbing vomit into your clothes, eating chocolate cake with your head in a sink just before dinner and chain drinking coffee it's ok to say that too.
I had a place to ask others what their experience of weaning was, when their baby started sleeping more (and stopped again in lots of cases) and how they got poo out of baby grows. And talking to humans is so different to the internet, of course, I could have googled all these things but it just isn't the same as chatting it through.
After a few weeks, it began to feel like I had a tribe. When my husband would whizz off to work in the morning and I had ten long hours before he would come home again, I knew that Wednesdays would be ok. I did not write a novel, but I spent a lot of time gaining experience from the women around me and becoming the mum and person I am today.
I know other people have hugely varied experiences of groups when they are a mum, some people just feel like they aren't for them, and obviously, this is fine too. But maybe a class; something more structured like yoga or baby massage, or something less structured, like a buggy walking or knitting group might work. A specialist group can offer incredible peer support, like the ones run by Bluebell Care in Bristol and Bath. There are also online groups- Barnardo's South Gloucestershire and Gloucestershire runs online drop in's for families, for some people this is perfect - it means you get the best of your sofa and feel social! Whatever your personality or where you are in life, it is possible to find others around you who make you feel supported.
I met up with the person from my antenatal group just the other day, our kids are now half way through primary school and our lives are really different, but we didn't stop talking for over an hour and I had a warm feeling of true friendship as she left me, I'm proud to call her my 'antenatal group mum pal' and there are more where she stemmed from. I have such great friends and am so fortunate to have a huge tribe of women and men who stand by me.
I like to think these ladies have been mum pals for 40 years
Valley Feeding has been running as a standalone group for a year now. Sometimes, in the craze of paperwork, trying to establish a business, trying to work part time in another infant feeding role and all the other mad things, like being Mum to a pair of girls with a serious addiction to hobbies which require a mum taxi, I forget the feeling I had when I first walked into that group with my baby. How out of place I felt, how lonely it can be when things aren't as you expect them to be and how good it is to have someone there to make you tea and someone to sit next to you and say 'I had a crappy night too' and 'it's so hard when they are teething' or 'I had a major win with feeding last night!' and be understood.
And then, when a mum returns to our group and says everything is going ok, this reminds me of that feeling and I believe it is one of the group's greatest achievements. Knowing that people are getting more than just problem solving from us is huge. Knowing they are just coming to chat to their friends and drink tea feels amazing.
So, while sometimes, it seems like running Valley Feeding Friends is just a great opportunity for to see people free of charge and offer support with complex breastfeeding issues, it's also, I hope, a place where families come and feel safe, held and comfortable. It's a place for support that isn't just expert, but is peer led, it's a place where we have every type of tea under the sun and we are excited to look after you and give you the TLC that you need.
And I hope, that years from now, the women who come to our group go together for a coffee and talk about their lives, loves, challenges and futures, that they moan about their kids and then proudly talk about them in the next sentence. I hope the tribe remains.
Kim x
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