Before Christmas each year we have an annual declutter of ‘stuff’ in our house. It’s a bit disheartening when a few weeks later you’re back wading through a sea of toys, wrapping paper and general chaos, but when all the madness had been cleared, the tree is down and everything is fresh, there’s room to put the new ‘stuff’ that we all get.
While I was sorting decorations up in the loft, I remembered a few bits that I want to give to a friend who is having a baby this spring. At one point, our loft looked like a Mothercare store room, but 5 years after having my youngest, we are down to the bare minimum of baby stuff. I suddenly realised that I couldn’t find my bag of special baby clothes, the first outfits, my favourite outfits, the hat I used to sniff and imagine I was smelling my new-born’s head, first shoes, first dungarees, first childminder outfit, it was quite a sizable bag in the end, but it had all disappeared. I think, that in my mad de-cluttering, that I accidentally gave this away. After a very tearful afternoon, I came round to the thought that my clothes might be making another family just as happy, and even though it was sad, it was ok (I also read Knuffle Bunny Free, which is like a kids version of my situation- if you haven’t read or seen these books I highly recommend them- excellent for dealing with these challenging situations, like a self-help book with better pictures!).
It got me thinking about ‘stuff’ and what we need when we have a baby, or think we need. I saw a really funny TikTok the other day of how to spot a first time mum, it mentioned a wardrobe full of clothes the baby will never wear, but for me, this was just the tip of the iceberg. I said YES to everything, and I mean everything, offered to me and then went out and bought more! I had more muslins, baby towels, reusable nappies, hats, dribble bibs than you could shake a Sophie Le Giraffe at. I ended up with 3 pushchairs, 2 bouncers, 3 slings, a crib, a moses basket and a cot. I had baby toys galore, 2 baths and our book shelf looked like a library of random parenting books, when I say a Mothercare store room, you can see what I mean. Now I think about it, it looked more like one of those massive Amazon warehouses, I could have done with a few robots to pick out items for me!
I was lucky that I had plenty of friends after who had babies, so I could hand my stuff on, but looking back, obviously, there was something going on there. My pregnant brain was in some kind of nesting overdrive, I wanted my baby to have anything she needed and didn’t want to miss a trick that another parent found made their life MUCH easier. I remember going to a Nearly New Sale and other mum’s around telling me I would definitely need an inflatable ring the baby could sit in, a play mat that made noises, a baby bath that did something amazing, buy this outfit, you need a snowsuit (for all that snow we get here), baby sunglasses (for all that sun we get here) and feeling quite overwhelmed.
After I had my baby, I found some brilliant books by the amazing Kate Evans, a cartoonist who has written a few things, one is ‘Bump’ and the other ‘The food of love’. Along with Knuffle Bunny, I would recommend these to anyone expecting a baby, particularly the chapter on birth, which is probably the best and most gentle way to help women understand what to expect. Kate has a page of her book which is about what you actually need when you have a baby, I haven’t got a copy to refer to as I write this, but I seem to remember that there was a very basic list of items and she makes a good point.
And whilst this may seem a bit 1900, Finnish parents have been gifted cardboard boxes for their babies to sleep in for 70 years, everyone is cottoning on to this and Baby Boxes (with all the essentials for a newborn) have become really popular and handed out worldwide. Sometimes, simplicity really is the best way to go.
However, It's not really my place to tell anyone that they shouldn’t go crazy in the baby aisles or get all the hand me downs. I clearly, flipping love a hand me down (and I am so grateful for each and every thing I was gifted from friends, neighbours and relatives and continue to be- when recently asked which shop my daughter got her outfit from, she proudly told them, ‘This neighbour gave me my dress, my shoes are from my big cousin and my tights are from my school friend’), but it is possible to go overboard.
Having a list can be a good idea to stop this happening.
I love the BBC Tiny Happy People Website; it’s got a brilliant list of do’s and don’ts for new-born shopping, the do’s are very sensible and not too prescriptive, giving a chance to fulfil that nesting instinct of hitting the shops until you drop without spending your life savings. My particular favourite 'don’t' is this one-
LOL!
As part of my antenatal sessions we talk about what babies need to grow and develop and what as parent’s we need to do and have to provide this for them, and we discuss the evidence base for all this (but in a really fun way that doesn’t sound like you are about to do a science project).
This could be evidence for physical things, like, pushchairs, slings for early days and a safe place to sleep, evidence around play, toys.... the list is an endless as you need it to be.
But, of course, as pointed out, what a baby needs in material goods is very small, most of what a parent gives their baby is to meet their emotional needs, so we discuss the importance of interaction and responsiveness with a baby and why this is such a huge part of parenting. Not stopping at the baby's emotional needs, we talk about evidence around maternal and paternal mental health and how to access evidence based support.
We talk gadgets and gizmos, equipment essentials and nice to haves, all of which is quite an eye opener for me. I discover new things on the market from parents and am astounded at the sheer amount of products out there, unfortunately, companies often put a £ sign above parents heads and try to convince us to spend as much as possible, we are all victims of this so having a sensible discussion is never a bad thing.
A lot of focus is on milk, obviously I love to chat about human milk (it’s kind of my thing). I am fascinated by breastfeeding and obviously it’s super important to talk about this, it’s too much to fit into a blog post but, I remember the first time I went on a UNICEF course and learnt about what breastmilk ingredients were and how it worked for both mother and baby, I was literally awe-struck and couldn’t wait to have the chance to do It myself, I hope to share some of this magic that I felt with expectant parents.
It may come as a surprise that I also talk about formula and feeding using alternative devices (including bottles). As a lactation consultant, it may sound strange not to refuse to discuss all things formula related, but it’s so important to talk openly and be honest with each other. And if that means discussing the pros and cons of buying a baby bottle that plays music and whether this has an evidence base, I am happy to do so (and yes, they do exist).
You can ask me anything, I won't always have a solution but we can have an open conversation and think about what works for you as a family. When I say that I am here to meet YOUR goals, I really mean it. No judgement.
Because the end result of this is that expectant parents feel slightly more prepared, confident and informed. I feel happy knowing that the decisions they are making are based on sound evidence. You absolutely don’t have to do what I did, in fact, I would actively encourage you not too. This might not seem helpful to not give you a big list and an instruction manual for parenting, but what worked for me (or most likely didn’t work and I resorted to a plan b, c, d, e- think I’m on plan x right now) might not be right for you. Or a celebrity parent’s advice with a housekeeper who does all the cleaning and cooking may not sit right. Even what worked for your best friend may not fit for you either. And don’t even get me started on self-proclaimed parenting expert’s books, though saying that, they can be useful. I recently used one as a firelighter for my woodburner, my house was very warm and toasty after. But going back to my point, making decisions is so much easier when you have had sensible information, you can weigh it up, decide what sounds better for you and go with what feels right for you and your baby.
So, that’s an insight into my de-cluttering schedule and what some of an antenatal consultation looks like with me and I guess, in answer to my own question, what you really need for a new baby is up to you, but, a little bit of sound information in how you make that decision is a good idea. And a good list. Don't do a Kim and end up with the kitchen sink (this makes an excellent baby bath though).
Also, if anyone else is reading this and I’ve passed on a bag of slightly random aged baby/toddler clothes to anyone, give me a shout.
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